it spins my world and takes me back..far back to when it all began.
A dream that began a few years ago with a fantastic hope and promise, gradually pitted me through daunting valleys of desperation and despair. Rather than wallowing in the gloom I skipped ahead to embrace a whole new surrender to life even when the uncertainty waves stemmed from time to time.
As I savored this newfound freedom by embracing movement in my walking shoes, surrounding myself in mountain highs and travel skies, the paths led me to a full circle; that is with you unveiling a grand entrance and disrupting my quiet with your little toes and enormous eyes.
I wouldn’t call this the best trip I had ever been on however, it stands as the most humbling experience I had so far. I might vaguely surprise you if I said that even when Sky wasn’t in my life physically, I somehow knew or felt like I was a mother. My eldest sister who perceives me a recluse, also acknowledges that I do possess maternal instincts when it comes to my nieces and nephew. So when Sky came along, it didn’t quite feel any different. I adapted to most parts overnight with his needs becoming my priority rather effortlessly, overshadowing my own.
- Like my lazy mornings shifted to structured routines, and my aversion to anything remotely routine became my anticipation to keeping schedules.
- My empty days got filled to brim with purpose as simple as keeping him bathed, fed and burped.
- My quiet cafe outings soon turned into our reasons for taking him on walks or cycle rides.
- Even my itinerary curating skills found a new outlet in crafting meticulous family day trips.
I don’t know if life is great, but it sure turned a 360 degrees shift on me. Especially with me becoming a soldered unit from an untethered individual.
Most days it’s nothing short of incredible, even bordering on magical. Yet, there are moments, a precious few, when the weight of the tireless routines wear me down; overwhelming me and leaving me yearning for a respite. As they say or don’t: motherhood comes with tears but not without adding a zillion smiles to it.
There is a little one out there as light as a lotus pod and as delicate as a fluttering leaf. Despite his miniscule weight, he wields the power to set the cosmos in motion — around me. Within me.
Despite everything I failed to articulate, I don’t perceive myself any differently, a mom or otherwise. I have always seen me the same. The very old impulsive person with the same fervour to life when I was playing the roles of a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife or being my own person.
EXCEPT for those times when -
Sky’s eyes seek me out in a room full of people.;when he shows me that he’d missed me by rushing into me after my work day; when he is hurt and it mirrors in my urgency knowing that he’d find comfort only in my arms.
And when he calls me mah-mma with that shimmering thrill that births in his eyes but settles in my heart.
In those moments, my identity undergoes a subtle sabbatical. I’m at the height of this awareness that’s equal parts ecstacy and also a vulnerability that I am no longer just myself; I am culpable for another being’s expectations. His joys, his tears or his boredom — are my responsibility to alleviate.
It’s as if eons of time halts for me, allowing me grace to twirl holding a little hand who never fails to let me know that am his most favourite hooman in the entire expanse of the universe. And this privilege, it moves me, sways me, the weight of it tears me apart into tiny fragments and ironically also builds me into a more competent and determined individual unlike anything I’ve ever known to be.
As long as this soulful melody lasts, I am and will be the most happiest person that’s ever breathed on this planet.
Im closing this off with the knowing I always know to be true.
That. There is a mother in you regardless of you bearing a child or not.
Happy mother’s day, You.!
